Early morning ramblings

It's 5AM on Sunday morning and I'm wide awake. This seems to be the norm for me lately. I sleep odd hours because I work nights but lately it seems my sleep pattern is even more weird if that's possible. I'm sure a lot of my problems with sleep lately are due to stress. My emotions are all over the place lately. Some days I'm optimistic and almost giddy about the adoption but most days I'm overwhelmed and basically feel like it's never going to happen. When I have a lot to do and feel overwhelmed by it all, I tend to cope by avoiding it. I know that's strange. Avoiding what needs to be done certainly doesn't help move the process along! So yesterday I decided I would just start with one step at a time and plow through it. After all, it's not like all these documents are going to get filled out on their own, and I haven't seen any little fairies flying around here lately filling out paperwork for me (though I would certainly be grateful for a few fairies!)

I did finally finish the 180 page workbook my agency sent me. It took me weeks to finish it. It was exhausting but it really did open my eyes to the problems I could encounter with adoption. I know parenting is totally a hands-on learning experience but I feel better equipped about what to look for when I bring my baby home.

I have 6 online courses to complete and yesterday I finished 3 of the 6. They take about an hour each so I was happy that I got half of them finished. I also sent out the form to my friends who are my references, and I sent the order form for my birth certificate. I've got the original but I don't really want to use it as part of my dossier so I'm ordering a couple certified copies. Now I need to make a doctor's appointment to get a physical and I also need to get my records from the clinic at TJC because it's got the dates I had my hep B series. I had to get all my shots again for nursing school so I hope that will be sufficient for my dossier. I have to get an updated TB test, which I need for work anyway. That's a yearly thing for me.

I did get my passport already. I was surprised it came so quickly. My mom is having trouble with hers because my grandma didn't record her birth until two years after she was born. I don't really see the big deal with that. Her birth was still recorded so what difference does it make that it was two years later?? My mom was my grandma's 4th child in almost as many years and she had her hands full. Who had time to register a birth?? I know with all the 9/11 terrorist stuff the laws are tougher but my mom does not fit the profile of a terrorist in any way, shape or form! At least we started this process early so hopefully she can get it straightened out way before we're ready to travel. I can't imagine making the trip to get my daughter without my mom by my side. It would be perfect if my dad and sister were there too, but we can't all go. Kristi has 3 boys to take care of and I can't see her leaving them for 2 weeks, plus it's very expensive to fly to Nepal, not to mention hotel, food and transportation. I'm not even sure yet how I'm going to afford it. I just keep having faith that God will provide. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see" - Hebrews 11:1

It seems as if Nepal is sticking with the 10 adoptions per agency rule, at least for now. They are, however, making contengencies for special needs children, which they are in the process of listing. My agency called me last week to ask if I'd be open to a special needs child. I told her I would consider it. In adoption, "special needs" includes everything from birth marks to less than perfect vision to HIV positive. I, as a prospective adoptive parent, can specify what special needs I will accept and which ones I will not. Of course not all things are predictable, just like with giving birth to a child. You don't always know what your child might be born with. When I was born both my eyes were crossed. I'm sure my parents didn't know this before I was born. I'm not sure what my mom's first thoughts were when she saw me and my crossed eyes. It never occured to me to ask her. Maybe she was shocked and disappointed. Maybe she didn't care that I was less than perfect. Either way, she loved me and got help to correct my eyes. I had my first surgery at 9 months of age and started wearing glasses when I was one year old. I've had several more surgeries and my left eye still isn't right, and never will be, but my parents never seemed to love me any less because of it. So how I can, in good conscience, say that I won't accept a child with less than perfect vision, or some other correctable special need? There are some needs that I'm not sure I can handle either emotionally or financially, but I am willing to consider certain needs.

On a lighter note, I have not picked a name for my baby girl yet. I know she will have a name that was given to her either by her birth mother or by a caretaker at the orphange, and I feel pretty certain that I will keep that name as a middle name, but it's pretty standard practice for adoptive parents to give the baby an American name, especially when adopting an infant. Anyway, I just can't come up with anything that I just love. There are several names that I really like, but nothing has just 'clicked' yet. Everybody says I'll know what to name her when I see her, but what if I don't? I'm trying to compile a list of favorites, hoping one of them will fit her when I see her. Mandy, one of my coworkers and someone I've known for many years because she and my sister were best friends when they were in school, calls my baby Lyla Jane. I don't argue with her, but I can assure you that is NOT my baby's name! LOL! So if anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears. My extended family on both sides is huge so finding a name that hasn't been used is hard to do. Of course I don't see most of my extended family, ever. But still. I'd like a name that no one else in my family has. That is no easy task!

I'm rambling now so I should probably wrap this up and try to go back to sleep since I have to work tonight. I do want to say that the support and encouragement I've received have been overwhelming to me. I would still adopt even if people didn't agree with my decision, but it is nice to have the love and support from people I love. You just never know how people will react when you tell them you're going to be a single mom. So, to my mom and dad, Kristi, Aunt Barbara, Aunt Brenda, Aunt Margie, and Amy......thank you all for loving me and for standing beside me during this crazy ride of emotions! I love you all with all my heart!