The decision is made

For the last few years I have had a burning desire to have a child. I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. It is a thought that *never* leaves my mind. It is also a thought that I haven't shared much with my family and friends. I guess I didn't want anyone to know just how much I was hurting due to my desire to be a mom. But I'm about to pour my heart out and bear my soul.

Being a nurse, I spend a lot of time with many different patients. Almost every single day I get asked "Are you married?" "Do you have children?" The 'marriage' question doesn't bother me. I've pretty much decided there is no "Mr. Right" out there for me. After two somewhat recent painful experiences with failed relationships, I'm leery to even try again. However, every time someone would ask if I have children, I felt like a knife had just sliced through my heart. It was a real physical pain to have to say "No, I don't have children". When I would listen to others talk about their children, I physically ached inside. I'm tired of that feeling so I'm doing something about it.

I've made the decision to adopt a child internationally. This is something I've thought about for a long time - probably close to 4 years. When I first decided I might adopt, I had been in touch with an adoption agency about adopting from China. I was drawn to that country for some reason. I can't explain it except to say it was a "gut feeling". It just felt right. Not long after I decided to try to adopt, China changed their adoption policy and singles were no longer allowed to adopt. Shortly after that I started nursing school and worked full time so I knew there was no way I could go through adoption then. So, I put my dreams on hold for a while. Once I was finished with nursing school I again began to think about adoption but I also knew that I needed to find a job that I was happy with in order to know what my schedule and salary would be. I needed to get settled into my new career before proceeding with an adoption. I am settled at my job, and the decision to adopt has been made.

I can't say that I always knew I would adopt a child. I thought I'd have the husband, white picket fence and 2.2 kids. Maybe I watched too much "Leave It To Beaver". Ha!

I wanted to experience pregnancy and childbirth so I did find myself grieving the loss of those experiences, but as is often the case, when God reveals His plan, things that were once important become insignificant. It no longer matters to me if I get to experience pregnancy or childbirth. What matters most to me is being a mom. That's the bottom line.

Adoption isn't for everyone, and there was a time in my life when I didn't think it was for me either. But now that I've made the decision, I have such a peace that I just can't explain. I've prayed about it and really believe that adoption is the journey I'm meant to take. It's hard to explain, but I just know in my heart and soul that this is right for me. I can't really express the joy I have now that I'm officially on my way to being a mother. There were many dark years when I didn't think it would happen. I was waiting for things to happen *to* me instead of getting pro-active and making things happen *for* me. What a difference that makes!! So here I am, almost two years out of nursing school and have jumped head first onto this wonderful roller coaster of adoption.

So, the first step was researching adoption agencies. I felt a strong pull toward one particular agency so I requested information on their international programs. When the packet came in the mail, I was just beside myself! It was hard knowing which country to choose. There are so many wonderful programs and so many needy children. I prayed and researched and prayed some more. Finally, I chose Nepal as the country I'll adopt from. Again, it's just something I felt led to. I had researched other countries, but nothing ever really felt right to me. Nepal just clicked.

I filled out the pre-application online. Several days went by and I was beginning to wonder if my agency had received it. I finally got a call from the agency letting me know they had received my pre-application and that they had mailed a packet with the application I would need to fill out and mail in, along with my application fee. When I got the application it was a bit overwhelming. It was 7 pages long and asked for a lot of detailed financial and personal information. It wasn't a hard thing to fill out, just time consuming getting all the numbers from banks, etc. I finished it in a couple of days and mailed it the weekend before Thanksgiving. I was told that they only review apps on Monday and Wednesday, and since it was a holiday week, I didn't expect to hear from them until the following week. I got an email on December 1st telling me they were reviewing the application and would be in touch in a few days. Later that same day, I received another email welcoming me to their agency and to the wonderful journey of adoption! My application had been approved.

Next, I'll get an orientation packet in the mail and then I'll start collecting all the paperwork for my dossier, which will include medical information, birth certificate, a home study and lots more that I'm not even aware of yet! This usually takes 3 to 4 months to complete. After that, it has to be sent to Nepal for translation. Then comes the referral of a child. I'm very excited and also very impatient, which is not good. It's going to be at least a year, maybe longer, before I can bring my daughter home.

I've created this blog to keep my friends and family updated, as well as to have a record of my journey. There is a lot to be done before I can bring my daughter home, and I hope this blog will serve as an outlet for all the ups and downs I will go through in the coming months.

For the first time in a very long time, I am at peace.